Self-Destruction

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As I finished the book "Thirteen Reasons Why" I couldn't help but think about three of my classmates who killed themselves. The novel is about a teenage girl who commits suicide. Before dying she records a set of cassette tapes, one side for the each of 13 reasons why she decided to take her life and she made sure the 13-related parties will listen to them. I digress.

In most suicide cases we will be wondering why someone chose to end his/her life. It is especially difficult for the family and friends who will keep on thinking whether they would be able to stop it one way or the other.

In my 9th standard there was a girl called "S". I was not friends with her, just a classmate and acquaintance. We communicated when it was absolutely necessary. I knew she was staying with an uncle as her parents stayed in a remote village and it was impossible to travel back and forth to school. So, basically she was there to further her studies. One day we were all called to the auditorium early in the morning. The headmaster told us about the demise of "S". We were all in shock and trying to talk to each other confirming its out classmate, as class 8th, 9th, and 10th students were gathered. We were shushed and moment of silence was observed. As it is a norm they declared it as a holiday. It must be the first time we weren't happy about the declaration. A friendly teacher explained she was suffering from chronic headache and that is the reason. We nodded along, not believing a bit. The mystery continued until the end of academic year. It was revealed the uncle she was staying was sexually abusing her, she got pregnant, and she felt it is the only way out. How I wish we had someone from an authority to tell us what her uncle did was "statutory rape" and he should be behind the bars. The above-said uncle was a padri (father) in a Catholic Church. He continued to be respected among the religious folks. I just wished and hoped he would rot in hell for his heinous act. "S" had her own circle of friends, but maybe not close enough to share her grievance. All our teachers were good, but were very strict and judgmental. So, talking to them was not an option at all. She could have communicated with her parents, which she didn't obviously. Maybe she was scared of the victim blaming. All in all a young life was gone too soon.

The second one was my classmate in college. Lets call him "P". He was introvert, not socializing with anybody much. This was in the beginning of the college year. I didn't find anything wrong in that because I was the same, like everybody I too was making friends slowly but steadily. Within a year or so when I returned back from native, I hear the news of him committing suicide in his hometown. Why he took that extreme step nobody knows and nobody will. Was he depressed? Was the life too stressful for him? Had he displayed suicidal warning signs, which we failed to understand? I still remember one incident where he was extremely encouraging and kind to me. I had an huge, ugly arguer with a lecturer regarding the existence of God. Explanation of that tussle maybe for another post. I was angry, hurt, and distressed by the callousness of the above-mentioned teacher. Then "P" approached me and said I have every right to be an atheist and teacher's behavior was mean and unacceptable. I say this because nobody including my friends said those words. Most of them tried to change my belief with their half-baked knowledge. I don't blame them either because from 17-year-olds you can hardly expect the maturity. But "P" had that ability and kindness and he was a good man. He had a bright future ahead of him, if only he could have realized it. 

The third one again was my classmate and friend; however, the event happened much much later when she was married with a child. Her name was "J". She and I used to walk together to school. I was not prompt and good at keeping up with time, basically I was always late and in hurry. She used to sit and talk with my grandmother all and sundry. My grandmother's opinion was that except her granddaughter (read me) all other kids are responsible and disciplined. While returning back she used to go home with other kids because most of the day I had to visit the public library and she found that exercise boring and time-consuming. And whenever my grandmother catches her walking back home she used to lie on my behalf about my whereabouts. After board exam I moved out of town and I kept on seeing her once in a while visiting my grandmother, but kind of lost touch. Almost 10 years ago I heard the unfortunate news about "J". If rumors are to be believed she had marital discord. Now her child will never know his mother. Was it a spur of the moment? The girl I knew was very calm, composed, and fun. No one was mature enough to say it is okay to walk out of a troubled marriage. And who is mature was miles away from her without any contact.

All the three lives could have been saved if we as a society was able to see the red flags for suicide. I feel a little responsible though I know it's a collective failure as a community. Let us keep our eyes and heart open to the warning signs and let us hold hands to pull each other up in every way possible.