To the man who loved and lived-Part 1

I have been absent from this space for a very long time. Almost one-and-half years. Something happened in my personal life. I lost my father in September 22, 2016. It was so sudden, unexpected. And I still ask why my father? He was hale and healthy. Never in his life he was ill or in poor health, but for seasonal cold and fever. If one follows my earlier posts they will know he had hernia surgery in the beginning of the year. He had a speedy recovery from that. He was an active man. It breaks my heart to address him in the past tense. He never had any heart aliment or hypertension, but for diabetes, which he had under control. I still remember that fateful night. At 9 o'clock I spoke with him. It was the time when Kaveri agitation was going on and he discussed about it. Exactly at 1 p.m. I get a call from our neighbour saying my father has taken ill and we need to leave immediately. I knew then and there I lost the one of the two best men in my life. Hubby spoke with the same neighbor again and confirmed my worst fear. There was no time. We left immediately with my younger brother and sister-in-law. Though blabbering something I was in complete shock. It is impossible for me to talk about funeral or rituals as of now.

My father's death broke something in me. The family cannot be the same again. It hurts each and every moment of life. Yes, I stopped crying after sometime. Pain eases with time they say, it sure does, but it lingers it's ugly head at unexpected times. I was drawn into a cocoon. I pulled myself up for my mother's sake. My loss is unimaginable, but less compared to my mother's who lost her partner of 37 years. I know nobody can replace his place in her life. 

I smiled, but it wouldn't reach my eyes. It was expected me to be strong and I posed a brave and dignified face. And tried to hide my pain by cracking lame jokes. I thought my father will live forever. Now I have to live my life without him. I will never be able to hear his voice again, hug him, or hold him. There will not be any conversation about politics, books, religion, movies, theater, gossip anymore with him. There won't be any light-hearted banter anymore. He was my confidant, strength, my main man. And all the memories I create in my life will be without him being a part of it.

They say your loved ones will be watching over you even after death. I couldn't find solace in that thought either because of being an atheist. And I remember my father telling in no unflinching words "Nobody knows what happens after death. You can imagine and live in a bubble to avoid pain, but the truth is once you are dead, you are just dead".

People know me say I'm very much like my father, both in looks and nature. Probably that is how I get to keep him with me forever.